I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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