Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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