people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
that's an acceptable place to lick
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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