her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
That was before I lit my hair on fire
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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