3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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