this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I AM VODKA MAN
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
