Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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