Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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