Screwed.edu
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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