i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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