So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I want her autograph on my taint
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
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But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
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The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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