My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
