I should be sponsored by Trojan
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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