there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
