i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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