i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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