Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
