She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Randomize
