you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
