That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
