i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Randomize
