You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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