i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
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I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
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I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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