there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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