I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
