My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
