I met the friendliest cop last night
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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