I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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