i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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