I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
