If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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