so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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