im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
