The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I have fence marks all over my body
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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