No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
