some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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