I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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