The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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