We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Two words: blizzard sex
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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