Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Randomize
