So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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