I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
