so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
