Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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