I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
