Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
