I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
