I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
