i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
