I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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