if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
