When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
