I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
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I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
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Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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